Love…Unexpectedly!

In creating balance (yes balance is definitely needed in everything), in my blog posts I thought it sublime to share something special with you all. Despite everything that I have been through this past year and the last few all the curve-balls thrown at me, I have discovered that I am a true hopeless romantic. No matter what, my heart is happiest when in love. I know, for the cynics I may seem somewhat naïve…almost like a teenager. But I really don't care about being crucify when it comes to affairs of the heart. Nope. Since, each of us gets our heart broken at some point in time; whether it is in a relationship or friendship. No one gets away unscathed. But what really sets us apart, I think is fortitude. When we get wounded, how many of us not only rise and dust ourselves off, but actually put oneself out there again and give another person a fair shot/chance?? Its insanity…at the highest level. So be true to thyself; we all have to be relatively insane to make this life livable bearable, right? The fact that I am writing in this space, reveals my sanity level.

In becoming older wiser, I realized what it is exactly I want in a relationship and know that I won't settle for just anything. Arrogant or bigoted? I say lessons learned. In order to give yourself and/or another a fair shot, knowing what one wants is paramount. Can you imagine, male pals that I was never interested in before...suddenly become more appealing? It's like I never really saw them until now. And I must let some of them know too, I have found that it's quite easy to weed through people who just want to 'bang' me...however, I only 'bang' who I fall in love with.. For love is so unique, so particular, so undefined and yet unexpected. It knows neither rules nor boundaries and is present whether you want it to or not. Yet, you need to love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

Enjoy a poem that was written for me this past May; 
   but was released this month…

"Your beauty has no boundaries…. This is for you babe and I hope you like it….. They say a fruit doesn’t fall far from a tree; I say the tree is a picture of the greatness and inner beauty in its finest vision…. So don’t be amaze or disturbed when people look at you and stare, point fingers, judge you and hate you… Because how can they explain such beauty, grace, intelligence, People hate what they don’t understand; fear what they can’t conquer… So when you see them stand and stare give them a good look because they have not yet seen the best of you but they fear what is yet to come… They say beauty is in the eyes of the be-holder, how thrown away I am when I look at you unable to explain but yet taken I guess this is what feels like to walk on moon, to be caught by element of surprise, and that beauty doesn’t even belong to me…. Always keep your head up at all times for only you can determine who you are and what you can become (no one else) … my love i am captured by your beauty... i could write poems about your beauty and still there would be so much to say.... i hope you would allow me to get to know you so that i could experience your beauty." −BD

Thoughts??

Friend-Shifts…when ‘friends’ hurt you

John F Kennedy once commented, "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." I like that finality. It's freeing. It releases you. Yes, we can forgive the person who have obviously hurt us, but never forget the wrong doing. That way you will know better and be able to steer clear from any chance for 'whatever' to happen again. Forgive, learn from it and move on. Human beings have a tendency to let one another down and the majority will always want to gain at another's expense.
This past year I've been hurt by a couple of people, whom I thought were sort kinda close to me…I think. But there's a fine line between a close friend and a true friend. I mean when you go to school with people, you definitely develop some friendships along the way. Right? You study together. Hang-out/lime together…with other friends. Call each other all the time. Look out for each other. Be a moral support. You guide them. Teach them things you thought they ought to know. You certainly won't tolerate other people ill-treating your friend and not stand up for them. Right? So you just be there for them…totally. Whatever it is, they feel comfortable enough to come to you with/for anything (is this a close or true friend?). But if you are friends with someone who give of themselves half-heartedly (50%) what you do with a pure heart (110%), then this is not a friendship. Obviously, they never saw you on the same level of friendship you saw them. It is so awful when people who are supposed to be your friend hurt you. Maybe they hurt me more out of thoughtlessness than of meanness. I don't know for sure. But a true friend would never (consciously) throw their good friend under the bus to save themselves or to look good. Not at all. A true friend knows when both are working towards the same goal and reaches within thyself and (secretly) understand that without this friend, that goal was an impossibility elusive…would not have materialized so soon. So 'fending' for yourself is not an option.

Unfortunately this happens to everyone at some point in their life though. Yes, this is a very common situation. A lot of people can relate to this from either a friendship or a relationship. It's like there is an increasing trend of such stereotypical behaviors that are being promoted…offline and online. Don't you just hate dislike when people say that they are your friend, but their actions tell you something entirely different? A true friend is always there whenever you need them the most…during rough times. When you are fracture…broken. A true friend always makes an effort to call you. A true friend always tends to see if you are okay. A true friend always shows that he or she cares about you. Perhaps, my outlook is a bit naive. Maybe I expect too much out of my friends, but I truly believe that if someone says they love and care for you, they must act like it. Not just say it. I am a firm advocate of loyalty when it comes to love, friendships, family and business. And I make a mental note to disassociate myself with those who display disloyal tendencies. I recognized too that I may be doing myself a disservice by keeping my true feelings to myself whenever a friend wrongs me, but I believe in taking the 'high road.' Yes, because Karma is serious and everyone gets what they deserve…eventually. As the Trini saying goes, "What doh miss yuh, doh pass yuh." And I understand that sometimes friendships are uncertain. When we are young everyone seems to be our friend, very much like on Facebook−many of whom we know are not friends; they are merely acquaintances that come and go. But true friends are people who we choose to become part of our family…and who chooses us in return.

I believe that you never really know people in life, even when you think you do. Friends come and go and it is a two way street. All we can really do is reach out and be our best selves and put ourselves out there. We all have a duty (to ourselves) to try at least once. If someone drifts away, it is sad, but cherish them for what you may remember. Oftentimes, we are just not meant to be friends with some people. We need to understand too, that people grow apart. Some people just bounce off each other and/or reject each other. While you may never be able to change someone, you can still be a friend from afar. Maybe. One of the Army's core values is treating others how you want to be treated. If one can't do that on either side of a friendship then you don't really have a friendship. Perhaps, some people need to first learn how to love themselves. In so doing, only then are they capable of appreciating what you do for them or understand the basis of a friendship. For even in my darkest moments when I didn't fully love myself enough, I never drag any of my friends into that vortex…into oblivion. Yes, I had to almost hit rock bottom before I finally looked inside myself. And let me tell you, learning to love myself was the best thing I have ever done in this life; trust me...to let that sun rise and see the light is heavenly…especially when surrounded by true friends.
I know I have high expectations of people and friendships, but I hold myself to the same standards. And I have learned that it's the quality of people and not quantity. Also, I have finally come to learn the difference between my true friends and just my 'acquaintances.' And I think, once you can understand and get a real feel on your circle of friends, it'll probably grow smaller.

One last thought. Have you ever wondered why is it that the one you are nice to normally won't be nice to you, but the one you are not so nice to, will actually be the one nicer to you? I've noticed too that the better you treat a person, the worse they'll treat you. Whatever the circumstances though, if your 'friend(s)' decide to betray you, just erase them completely from your life. It seems cruel, but why would anyone want to subject themselves to an indifferent friendship? Walk away. They are definitely not worthy of your quality time and friendship. Because a true friend would never resort to standing on your shoulders…killing you to save themselves. Brutally honest is sometimes the only way to go.

What are your thoughts??

A Haunting October…

I've been wondering for some time now if it is good for one's sanity mental health to write in a public space, since it opens you up for criticism, scrutiny or a convenient channel for accounting for the actions of those in public offices or even pursuing matters one has little or no control over. 

Since, these are random pages from my notebook and I am, by nature a private person I shall slowly bare expose my soul. At times, the content in these pages may be brief and sobering, and other times emotional yet humorous and it is all meant to entertain. To remind us that we are not alone in this world. To put a smile on someone.  For I do laugh at myself. We have to somehow be able to do that right? 

So feel free to comment. We are all interconnected and in today's world without connectivity we certainly feel lost…abandoned and even angry that technology can (and will oft-times) fail us.

It is noted that procrastination is the thief of time. But all the stolen time since August (when I joined Blogger) could not have better prepared me for a more fittingly first post. It comes with the recent passing of Steve Jobs, CEO and co-founder of Apple Computer. As the world continues to mourn publicly for Jobs, I am silently grieving for my bestie, Sherry-Ann La Rose. Ten years ago this month, she left this world without rhyme or reason. Quite dreadfully too. I still can't seem to comprehend what really transpired on that fateful day when she was discovered murdered in the Grand Barbados Resort. Just two months shy of her 30^th birthday.

I try not to imagine the graphic details of her being found by some unknown person. Try not to imagine what was really happening in that moment when she crossed over. You see, I was the closest person to Sherry-Ann. Her mother reminded me of it too, when she asked me to do the eulogy at her funeral. Strange. How strange it was for me to be standing at a podium with her embalmed body just beside me and, rambling about inconsequential things that now seem rather important.

I can't exactly remember when we became best friends. Even though, we grew up together, she was first best friends with two of my cousins. She was three years older than me when we were kids and teenagers and in those years, I suspect the gap was perhaps too wide for "holding secrets" and talking about boys. I don't know, but I remembered we were inseparable for a number of years during our naïve and reckless early 20s.

I smile now at the memory of our similarities; like the wine color lipstick that was our statement make-up and our preferred hair color of golden brown. Yet, somehow we had different preferences in boyfriends. Sherry dated Asian guys and I had a liking for tall mixed geeks. What opposites. It was the one thing we never had to worry about. The greatest privilege in our friendship I think was that we understood each other. She got me and I her. We worked, rented and got into mischief together. The bond was tight.

But then unexpectedly, I was knocked up. I had given up the dance floor for a rocking chair and singing lullabies. Talk about a 180. I think Sherry was mad at me at the time, for she didn't like my boyfriend. But I reckoned she recognised that my life was changing. Although we weren't in constant contact during my pregnancy, we stayed connected through telephone and by the occasional visits. But truth be told, I was in hiatus. I had retreated.

The last time Sherry and my family really got together was at my Cousin Maureen's wedding reception in July 2001. My daughter was five months old and Sherry and I were back to our old selves…tricksters indeed, making mischief at the wedding tables; eating out the guests' cake slices and laughing silly. Perhaps that's the beauty of true friendships; when you can grow apart for a while but whenever you do reconnect, it's like no time has passed at all. If I had to choose one memory of Sherry from my album, it will be the one from Maureen's wedding reception.

I didn't see Sherry for two months after that day, but we talked extensively about the wedding. Then one humid evening in early October she visited me. It was brief and I can't recall what we talked about, but she seemed happy, yet somewhat distracted as if her thoughts were elsewhere. For the first time I didn't read her. It was odd. The balance was off, but I ignored it. Then two weeks later I heard of her passing.

I am haunted by that last visit. I realised that it was your final goodbye. The brutality of your death still stuns me today and it comes to me at odd times throughout the day. I still have a sense of shock that it transpired at all. But they say that when you die young you will remain forever beautiful. I believe that. I have to. Someday we’ll be dancing in the heavens, but in the meantime I’ll take comfort in Steve Jobs words to the Stanford graduates of 2005: "Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart." (Stanford, 2005)

Rest in Peace Bestie. You are my sister. That much is true. A family beyond DNA. Losing you has allowed me to appreciate my other friendships and relationships even more.

                    This one's for you doll...

So how do you feel about death? Do you sometimes ignore that voice...
Our intuition? 
Have you lost someone too?

Do you believe that the month of October is truly haunting...? 

What with halloween coming up and all? 

Let me know your thoughts.