A Haunting October…

I've been wondering for some time now if it is good for one's sanity mental health to write in a public space, since it opens you up for criticism, scrutiny or a convenient channel for accounting for the actions of those in public offices or even pursuing matters one has little or no control over. 

Since, these are random pages from my notebook and I am, by nature a private person I shall slowly bare expose my soul. At times, the content in these pages may be brief and sobering, and other times emotional yet humorous and it is all meant to entertain. To remind us that we are not alone in this world. To put a smile on someone.  For I do laugh at myself. We have to somehow be able to do that right? 

So feel free to comment. We are all interconnected and in today's world without connectivity we certainly feel lost…abandoned and even angry that technology can (and will oft-times) fail us.

It is noted that procrastination is the thief of time. But all the stolen time since August (when I joined Blogger) could not have better prepared me for a more fittingly first post. It comes with the recent passing of Steve Jobs, CEO and co-founder of Apple Computer. As the world continues to mourn publicly for Jobs, I am silently grieving for my bestie, Sherry-Ann La Rose. Ten years ago this month, she left this world without rhyme or reason. Quite dreadfully too. I still can't seem to comprehend what really transpired on that fateful day when she was discovered murdered in the Grand Barbados Resort. Just two months shy of her 30^th birthday.

I try not to imagine the graphic details of her being found by some unknown person. Try not to imagine what was really happening in that moment when she crossed over. You see, I was the closest person to Sherry-Ann. Her mother reminded me of it too, when she asked me to do the eulogy at her funeral. Strange. How strange it was for me to be standing at a podium with her embalmed body just beside me and, rambling about inconsequential things that now seem rather important.

I can't exactly remember when we became best friends. Even though, we grew up together, she was first best friends with two of my cousins. She was three years older than me when we were kids and teenagers and in those years, I suspect the gap was perhaps too wide for "holding secrets" and talking about boys. I don't know, but I remembered we were inseparable for a number of years during our naïve and reckless early 20s.

I smile now at the memory of our similarities; like the wine color lipstick that was our statement make-up and our preferred hair color of golden brown. Yet, somehow we had different preferences in boyfriends. Sherry dated Asian guys and I had a liking for tall mixed geeks. What opposites. It was the one thing we never had to worry about. The greatest privilege in our friendship I think was that we understood each other. She got me and I her. We worked, rented and got into mischief together. The bond was tight.

But then unexpectedly, I was knocked up. I had given up the dance floor for a rocking chair and singing lullabies. Talk about a 180. I think Sherry was mad at me at the time, for she didn't like my boyfriend. But I reckoned she recognised that my life was changing. Although we weren't in constant contact during my pregnancy, we stayed connected through telephone and by the occasional visits. But truth be told, I was in hiatus. I had retreated.

The last time Sherry and my family really got together was at my Cousin Maureen's wedding reception in July 2001. My daughter was five months old and Sherry and I were back to our old selves…tricksters indeed, making mischief at the wedding tables; eating out the guests' cake slices and laughing silly. Perhaps that's the beauty of true friendships; when you can grow apart for a while but whenever you do reconnect, it's like no time has passed at all. If I had to choose one memory of Sherry from my album, it will be the one from Maureen's wedding reception.

I didn't see Sherry for two months after that day, but we talked extensively about the wedding. Then one humid evening in early October she visited me. It was brief and I can't recall what we talked about, but she seemed happy, yet somewhat distracted as if her thoughts were elsewhere. For the first time I didn't read her. It was odd. The balance was off, but I ignored it. Then two weeks later I heard of her passing.

I am haunted by that last visit. I realised that it was your final goodbye. The brutality of your death still stuns me today and it comes to me at odd times throughout the day. I still have a sense of shock that it transpired at all. But they say that when you die young you will remain forever beautiful. I believe that. I have to. Someday we’ll be dancing in the heavens, but in the meantime I’ll take comfort in Steve Jobs words to the Stanford graduates of 2005: "Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart." (Stanford, 2005)

Rest in Peace Bestie. You are my sister. That much is true. A family beyond DNA. Losing you has allowed me to appreciate my other friendships and relationships even more.

                    This one's for you doll...

So how do you feel about death? Do you sometimes ignore that voice...
Our intuition? 
Have you lost someone too?

Do you believe that the month of October is truly haunting...? 

What with halloween coming up and all? 

Let me know your thoughts.